Dealing with Dicks

x. You've only met a few times but he's showing blatant interest

"Hey my names Bob, I wore braces until I was 21. Ok now that we know each other wanna go out some time?"

What to do:
Tell Bob to go back to the corner he was leering at you from earlier and come back when he's evolved into a man. If he laughs you off in an attempt to salvage his ego laugh with him then say something to the effect of "my boyfriend would love your sense of humour"


x. Comments on your outstanding beauty and says a lot of things ending in "forever"

This is my ultimate favourite just because there are a lot of lazy men out there. Commenting on how the sunlight draws out your natural beauty is the oldest trick in the book. Most men are born knowing women like hearing about themselves and the future. This could be a dating Achilles heel for women, but not if you don't let it. You know you're beautiful; do you need to hear it from buck-toothed Joe from the pig farm? Probably not, does it hurt to let him say it? Again probably not. Will it hurt to believe he's "never seen anything as radiant as your smile, as stunning as your eyes or as warm as your laugh"? YES!

x. Agrees with everything you say and laughs at your lamest jokes

He wants you to think you've found your soulmate. The one person who truly understands you. You could be a Neo-Nazi-flag burning, orphan murdering harlot. But as long as you have a "sweet rack" he'll be more supportive than a sports bra. Sometimes however you may meet someone that shares the same views as you, to weed out the sheep from the intellectuals I suggest saying the most extreme and random things you can. If he disagrees and can state a reason other than "that's weird" then you could actually have a functioning person on your hands.

x. You've rejected him and now he's pointing out all your flaws

This kind of guy is the worst to encounter! I find for every insult, take an inch off his penis because bringing you down is the only way he'll ever feel big. This is by far the lowest act of them all because he was so arrogant to assume you would want him and when you didn't he wasn't man enough to accept it quietly and move on. He has to now, not only childishly shriek "WELL I NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAY!" in an attempt to salvage his 'reputation' but hurt you in the process to feed his primitive ego.

This guy will either be obscenely good-looking and not accustomed to rejection or just plain obscene and not accustomed to human contact. Either way you don't deserve it, you didn't break any law by rejecting him. Now while he's spewing out insults trying to break your self-esteem the best thing is to spread the word of his horrendous ways. TELL EVERYONE. Leave no person unaware of this pathetic excuse for an individual, it builds up your support system for one thing and lets others be weary of him the next time he tries to pick up.